Dear Angus,
Today you were strangling the cat.
You often strangle the cat, and I know you only do it because you just love that cat SO. DAMN. MUCH.
And I also know you do it because you know that somehow when you squeeze the cat just right she will make a noise, which tickles your funny bone and makes you giggle. But I’m trying to make you understand that it HURTS the cat when you do that. And I’m worried that one day I won’t be looking and you might accidentally strangle her just long enough to maybe kill her. And that really freaks me out.
So today you were strangling the cat, yet again. And I guess my reaction today was because of my own stress — I am pushed to my own limits of what I can handle and I am becoming pretty impatient these days. (The fact that I am taking it out on you is a BIG red flag that I need to slow down and re-evaluate things.)
So I tried to pry your hands off the cat, but you wouldn’t let go.
So I yelled. You still wouldn’t let go. The cat’s eyes were bugging out and her tongue was sticking out.
So I smacked your arm. Probably harder than I ever intended to.
And it surprised you and then you dropped the cat.
So I guess it was effective…
But oh God, I never wanted to do that. Your face looked so betrayed and hurt, it broke my heart instantly.
Immediately I just wanted to turn back time. WHY oh WHY did I do that? What happened to me to make me lose my cool like that over something so stupid?
Your face, your beautiful, innocent, baby face, it screwed up right away and real, serious crocodile tears spilled over those big, beautiful cheeks and your eyes looked at me all scared.
I just wanted to die.
I scooped you up into my arms right away and apologized repeatedly into your hair, but you wanted nothing to do with me. You shoved me away, and yelled in my face and pummelled my chest so I put you down and you just sat down on the floor and cried. (And I do not blame you at all.)
I then sat down on the couch and cried myself, and I guess we cried together for a while, you because you were startled and hurt and confused, and me because I felt like such a horrible mother and I felt like this would affect you forever and you would never forgive me, ever in your whole life…
But then I felt something on my leg, so I peeled my tear-stained face off the pillow I was hugging for dear life, and when I looked up I saw your little blond head resting on my knee, arms around my leg, wordlessly telling me everything was okay.
And then when I stroked your hair you lifted your head and grinned and pointed into the kitchen and said, “Cookie?”
Angus, I love you so, so much.
Thank you for forgiving me. (Or for having the attention span of a flea and being easily distracted by junk food — another byproduct of my awesome parenting. Either way, I’ll take what I can get.)
This is what I see every day in my rearview mirror.
My mother always says that she hit me only once – when I kept running toward the road, not much more than Angus’s age, after she had repeatedly scolded me for it. She lost patience and slapped my wrist with her hand.
That extreme a reaction from a mother who had never slapped me before, and never would again, taught me to never run into the road. She never slapped me again – but I never ran into the road again, either.
Well, we will see if it’s worked… so far they’re playing good together. And like I said, he hugs her around her neck because he LOVES her — not like he’s deliberately trying to hurt her. Which is why I feel so bad.
He just needs to learn that there are consequences for his actions. You didn’t do anything wrong. He learned a lesson.
I know but I feel like hitting is just setting a bad example for them.
Hey there, don’t kick yourself too hard, you’re just going through mommy growing pains, children need boundarys and unfortunately mom’s have to set them,and I think teaching him not to kill the cat is a good one to set
. Prepare yourself he’s a rough and tough little guy and he is going to test every limitation you set. It sucks right now but some day he’s going to be bigger than you and a teenager! Be the boss! Always! Discipline is love, means you care enough to make the hard calls…You’re doing great!
Thanks Gramma T
Such a brilliantly written account of something that all of us do in one way or another at some point. There is nothing worse that feeling like you’ve lost your cool for no reason and seeing hurt on your childs face. Great entry. And I LOVE that a cookie made it all better in the end!
Take care and stay happy – it’s a long hard haul to do what you’re doing but you’re doing a good job!
Cookies ALWAYS make things better, don’t they!
I recall a particularly hellish daycare drop off when Shea was a little older than Angus and I spitefully called him a baby- which may not sound like much but I said it to be mean and it was. He started crying immediately. I was so ashamed that I had lost my temper and hurt my baby boy with words- on purpose.
I still think about it nine years later. He doesn’t remember any of it.
And this post? Tremendously well written lady.
I am counting on Angus not remembering it. But I will NEVER forget the look on his face.
And thank you
I woke up this morning and ran upstairs to delete the post (I don’t know why) but everyone had already commented on it. Too late!!
I had tears in my eyes when I read your post today. It’s hard being a mom when our babies are crying. Heck, mine’s 10 and I still get upset when she’s upset.
Tell me about it!
It’s tough to know what to do or what to try when they JUST WON’T LISTEN. We deal with this with Philip all the time and it gets so tiring. We get fed up with saying, “No, No, No, No…” or “Don’t gouge the kitty’s eyes” or “Gentle hands”. I know he just gets excited(as does Angus) when his favorite kitty get close but he clobbers him. And then he cries when the cat protests with a paw(and maybe a little scratch). I really hope he learns real soon how to play nice. It’s exhausting to constantly hover. And don’t even let me get started on his fascination with lamps and electrical outlets! Don’t be too hard on yourself. You’re a great mom!
I can’t tell you how many times Angus has knocked over the lamp and burnt the light bulb out!! Arrgh!!
Hey B,
The fact that you felt so gut-wreanched about the slap is a good indication that you are a Great Mom! Angus is going to grow up with a funny, insightful and talented mom and he’ll laugh with you about the time you had to tussle with him to save the cat. Believe me when I say I have been there, freaking out and yelling and chucking toys around in frustration, watching myself the whole time thinking, “stop, you’re scaring them!” ….and being unable to do so.
Tam
Thanks Tammy
I too, catch myself sometimes when I’m yelling, and I’m thinking in my head, “Stop it, you’re going to scar him for life!” and yet I can’t stop.
Example: meltdown at the grocery store yesterday. Put screaming, flailing toddler in his car seat. Got in car. Turned around and yelled, “WHY DO YOU LIKE TO RUIN MY LIFE!”
Definitely got to work on being a little more patient.