On the fence.

About the job situation. I’m driving myself CRAZAY trying to figure out what I should do.

Pros of staying at current job:

1. Good money. (Even though I don’t even really have to work because of Aaron’s gigantic raise, I am pretty motivated to earn lots of money right now so we can start getting out of debt and working towards buying a house.)
2. I actually like the job. I love the girls I work with and as it turns out, I kind of like bartending. I also love the social aspect to the job; like I said, everyone who works there is wonderful, and same with most of the regular patrons.

Cons of staying at current job:

1. I am totally burning out. I have a nasty head cold AGAIN — just got over one last month! I’m pretty sure it’s because my immune system is down because of not getting enough sleep and being too busy to eat well.
2. Sleep deprivation. Work until 11:oo pm and then can’t usually fall asleep until 1:00 or 2:00 am because I’m so wound up from being busy and listening to loud music at work. Then sleep for about three hours before I have to wake up at 5:30am to drive Aaron to work. (I usually take a morning nap with Angus, but it still feels like NOT ENOUGH SLEEP.)
3. Working five days a week. (I requested to have my shifts cut back to three or four a week, but because there is only one other bartender who has another job, they would have to hire another bartender. I felt bad and told them not to worry about it, I would just suck it up.) Five nights a week is hard for me. I’m running on barely any sleep, and because I’m the one home during the day (and because my husband is a slob — still love him, but that’s just the way he is) I am still the one who has to do all the cleaning, dishes, cooking, laundry, wiping bums, running in circles after Hurricane Angus, and somehow make sure I’m looking presentable with my hair done and makeup on and clean clothes on before I go to work.
4. Not having any time with Aaron. I think we see each other maybe half an hour a day. Last night was the first night in a week that we actually had the night off together. And since usually Aaron is stuck at home with Angus, he really wanted to go out and play his guitar with his friends, which I totally understand. So he did that, then came home, and we were up late just so we could spend some time together.

Pros about the new job:

1. Only would work three days a week, during the day: Friday, Saturday, Sunday. That would mean time with the family.
2. I would be hairdressing.

Cons about the new job:

1. Not very good money. At least to start with. It takes a while to build up clientele. (But like I said, the potential is there to make GREAT money.)
2. Trying to find childcare. I looked into it, and most places only do Monday to Friday, 8:00 to 5:00. I have my teenage babysitters, but they’re in school, so they can only babysit after school and on weekends.
3. I’m freaking terrified that I’m going to suck. It’s been a few years since I worked in a salon — I’m afraid I might be a bit rusty.

So, there it is. I don’t know what to do. Part of me wants to say FUCK IT and just not work at all. But I know that as much as I am burning out and feel like there is ALWAYS something that is not getting done because there is not enough time in the day to do everything, I know that I NEED to work. It fulfills me, makes me feel purposeful, and it’s one way to not go stark-raving mad from the isolation of being a mom at home all day. And as backwards as it sounds, I actually feel like I get MORE done now than when I wasn’t working, because I know I have a time limit at home; I have only so much time to get the laundry/floors/cooking/dishes/etc done before I go to work. For example, I had a day off yesterday. I pretty much did not get off the couch for any reason other than to feed Angus and change his butt. I was just not motivated to do anything. (Granted, I AM sick.)

But I’m the one who ends up suffering, because I hate it when the house is a mess, and it just doesn’t seem to bother Aaron.

I feel kind of annoyed that mothers are still expected to do it all. Like, when I talked to my boss about cutting my shifts back. He said he would ask the other bartender if she wanted any extra shifts, but because she DOES have another job, she probably wouldn’t, and he would have to hire another bartender. Well then I felt bad, so I told him not to worry about it, and that I would just suck it up. He looked relieved and said something along the lines of, “Atta girl!” and held up his hand for a high-five. (He’s that kind of boss… waaaay too peppy, and he walks around calling people by the nicknames he’s given them, making people give him fist-bumps and high-fives.)

I feel like people (like my boss) make ME feel like I SHOULD be able to handle all of this: life at home with a toddler and then go to work at night. I mean, the OTHER bartender has another fulltime job, so of course she can’t work extra shifts. I mean, I’m at home all day, surely I can handle it.

And I know he will never understand, because he is male and has no kids. (YET! — his wife his pregnant… so soon he will understand, but not totally, because he’s a man. No offense to men — but generally speaking, mothers have more responsibilities than the fathers do, even in this so-called modern day and age.)

Everyone is different. Some people can handle more than others. I am still trying to figure out what my balance is. I know I need to work — but I can’t work TOO much. (At least not in these early years of Angus’ life.)

There’s always something suffering — usually it’s related to housework. But lately it’s starting to be things like my own health that is suffering. And I feel like Angus isn’t getting enough attention. I’m either too busy trying to get shit done and dragging him around with me running errands to play with him, or I’m so exhausted that I can’t do anything else but lay on the couch and try not to fall asleep while Angus plays by himself. It makes me really sad.

I just feel like I’m having such a hard time keeping up with everything, but I HAVE to keep up because I feel so encouraged by people when I burn myself out and work myself to death, and I feel like people look down on me when I say, “Hey, I can’t do it all.”

(Well this post turned kind of long and rambly… I’m having a hard time trying to collect my thoughts and turn them into words.)

I cannot WAIT until boss has his baby. Even better, I can’t wait until his baby is a toddler and he’s trying to run a restaurant with a miniature tornado underfoot.

MWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

Payback’s a bitch.

*Edited to add: Another crazy search term used to find my blog: “Walks into the club and all the bitches.”

Um. What?!